Thursday, 30 June 2011

Silence

I am dyslexic so give me break please, i have never wrote a story before so please give it a read and tell me what you think, and yes if anyone makes the connection this is based very loosely on the Chicago code. I know it is very badly puncuated sorry!

Silence

Silence, was all I heard the moment I woke up. The peacefulness of the silence was comforting, I wanted to absorb every minute of it I could. As today was my first day as super intendant, the first female super intendant in Chicago.

I was eventually ready to leave, I left the house turned the key in the door, then suddenly i had that feeling t when you forget something, I brushed it off telling myself it’s just nerves. I got to my car pressed the ‘open’ button on the keys then I remembered my gun! How could I forget my gun? Which cop forgets their gun? Then I thought I’m the new super intendant of Chicago how to day goes it up to me.

I got my gun from the bottom of my sock draw, then got my amumision from my bed side table then checked I still had my car keys and put everything in my bag. Then I steddyed myself, walked down stairs closed the door behind me, checked it was locked then walked to my car. I got in my car switched my radio on to 101.9 FM, it was at this moment when the radio said ‘’top head line body found in garbage bin’’ it was at this moment I decided I would do my first check in.

I rang through to control to ask for the details as the person picked up the phone they said '‘good morning super intendant'' I had never really seemed real until this point. I got the details put them in to the satnav and drove, I was doing better today only 23 people were in my opinion slipping through net and could have been arrested on the 40 minute drive to the crime scene which I didn’t know the name of as I am still getting used to Chicago, having never lived here before.

I arrived at the crime scene it was too sunny for me so down when my shades. I got out my car took the gun from my bag once I found it and placed it in my holder. I felt it click in to the holder it felt like everyone could hear it because at that moment everyone looked round, it felt like I was on a dark stage and the spot light had just been placed on me.

I walked over to the body that had been wrapped in bin bags and sealed with sliver tape, not the most common way to dispose of a body I thought. I looked at the face it hit me then that Callum hadn’t been home in a few days I asked if they had an ID for the john doe and then at that moment my world came crashing down in front of me as senor deceive Jones said the word that were like a fatal blow to my heart ‘’yes the john doe is Callum Doyal.’’ At this stage I didn’t know what to do apart from say Cullum’s name over and over again in my head, nobody knew we were together.

38 comments:

  1. Good job, Beckah, I really enjoyed that. Looking forward to seeing what happens next!

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  2. Cool story :) The two scenes with the gun, first when she forgot it and then when it clicked into her holder upon arriving really stuck out to me.

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  3. thanks julie! and thanks jose! glad yous liked them! there's more too come...

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  5. Hey, Julie's fella here! Some really good writing in there Beckah - the opening lines are great (and it's so important to have an instant hook that pulls people into your story). Nice work!

    (Oops would you believe I made a spelling mistake in my previous comment!)

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  6. thanks for the read! really appreciate it!

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  7. I think you've got the right idea going and you captured my attention. Good job!!

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  8. thankyou! i'm glad people are like it thanks for reading it

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  9. There are bags of potential in this story Beckah. Do you think you'll go further with it? I'd be interested in reading more...

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  10. well... i have just finshed writing trapped the next installment.
    glad you like it!

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  11. Excellent well done Beckah - great 1st #fridayflash and looking fwd to reading more :)

    The only helpful suggestion (I hope helpful anyway) is I would be careful when you use the word 'then' so often.

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  12. thanks and yeah i do use then alot lol
    *note to self find words other than then*

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  13. Intense story, Rebekah. Looking forward to reading more from you. Keep writing! Welcome to #FridayFlash!

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  14. Welcome to #FridayFlash Beckah!
    Poor Callum, and poor super intendant - what a first day on the job.

    Hats off to you for not letting dyslexia get in the way of story-telling! And as for punctuation and over-using the odd word, every single writer, dyslexic or not, will struggle with that sort of thing, I speak from experience :-)

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  15. thanks alot really do apperchieat you reading it!

    her personionality comes out more in the next bit but then it's back to feel sorry for in part 3 and i bit of a spoiler callum is not the end of her lovelife...

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  16. Great story Beckah! Don't let the dyslexia bother you, I have that and a couple other 'learning disabilities' too. Makes it harder sometimes, but the end result is worth it!

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  17. Wow, that's a tough first day on the job. I hope she brings the perps to justice.

    Welcome to #FridayFlash.
    ~jon

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  18. Well done Beckan - I don't know what the Chicago code is being an Australian, but I did enjoy your story. Oh I felt so sorry for the
    superintendant and the poor boy Callum.


    I look forward to reading more of your Friday Flash :)

    Helen from helen-scribbles.com

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  19. thanks! it means alot for yous to read it! glad you liked it! so far i have wrote the next two parts :)

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  20. You did a wonderful job, Beckah, I really enjoyed the story!

    I tutor a couple of kids, and one of them has ADHD. The sad thing is he lets that characterize him, when in fact there's no reason for that to happen. It's harder than for others, but the way I see it, giving up (especially at such a young age) is not an option.
    It's so wonderful to see you not let dyslexia get in the way of what you want to say!
    Welcome to #fridayflash :)

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  21. thank you for the lovely coment!

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  22. Well done. And don't let dyslexia hold you back, you can do anything. I got a degree in physics with an odd little trait of reading numbers backwards, so you could be a writer if you want to.

    BTW, this is much better than a lot of my first stories. Well done and keep it up!

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  23. aww thankyou!
    good for you! i bet yout first stories were good!

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  24. Good Job and welcome to fridayflash! :)

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  25. That's a pretty tough first day. I can't wait to see where this is going. Welcome to FridayFlash!

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  26. Intriguing. This captures a little bit of the mis-matched expectations of the first day of a job.

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  27. Chuck- thanks glad you liked it
    Aidan- thanks it gets a bit more mis-matched in te next few because i think of it and it gets wrote or the chacater goes off on a tagent lol

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  28. Glad you made it to Friday Flash! You're off to a flying start.

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  29. thankyou! hope you like the next few parts too!

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  30. Nicely done. I enjoyed the moment she remembers her gun and her trudge back to retrieve it. Seeing her self-consciousness gave her depth for me. A belated welcome to #FridayFlash!

    Take care,
    JC

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  31. hehe thankyou! she is really very easy to write as a character and the story is just easy to write. glad you liked it and i hope you like the next parts!

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  32. Welcome to #FridayFlash Beckah! It takes a lot of guts to put your work out there for others to read. Congrats on taking that step. Like Mazz said above, we all make constant mistakes in our writing, be it skipping words, repeating a word, poor punctuation, whatever. The best thing you can do as a writer is find a critique partner who will proofread your stories before you post. Everyone one of mine is read by at least one person before I post. It's a lifesaver!

    Good luck with your writing!

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  33. thankyou for the support! everyone at #FridayFlash has been really good with it you's are all a very surportive bunch! if you know FutureNostalgic he has said he will be my proof reader and 'sorter outer' for the next few.

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  34. I just ran across this site and read the first part of your story. Have you written more parts yet? This is really good and cannot wait to read the rest.

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  35. thanks glad you liked it! yea i have written some more if you go to the top of the page and click on my headder then they will all come up but to get the next part if click the headder and then if you click on July on the side they should come up the next part is called Trapped it's at the bottom of July
    hope you enjoy them!

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